7.24.2013

Of Self

Every now and then I get stuck when it comes to loving myself. I know I've written about it before, but the whole thing seems to come and go in phases, and I'm back to where I once was.

I'm not entirely sure what it is. I think that I'm almost being too self-indulging when I see myself the way God does- you know, holy and blameless and beautiful. Of course, in reality, I am doing the mysterious grace of God a childish disservice. Besides that, I know how I have failed in the past and it is hard to reconcile these failures alongside the divine beauty that exists within me and is me. Even typing that is difficult at this moment in time.

Yesterday, I had this thought that I sometimes don't want the responsibility of loving myself. I know how furiously I can love people and ideas and things, and that's a big expectation on myself! That's hard to work out as well.

Anyways, as I was trying to figure out how to have that healthy sense of confidence and love-of-self that seems to come and go like the wind for me (this is surely one of my flaws), God said I needed to work on receiving love. I knew in my heart that this was true, but it takes effort to accept the beams of love and let them flow around your being sometimes. But I'm making a little progress here and there.

I also thought about something Julia the brave said to me once: "You need to give yourself the grace I've seen you give others."

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